Q&A with Jon Mattleman

We are so excited to welcome Jon Mattleman on Thursday, October 9 to speak to the Tri-Town community. Jon has spent decades working with teens, parents, and educators. His insights into the adolescent brain help parents better understand behavior that might otherwise feel confusing or even frustrating at times. 

As we count down to Jon Mattleman’s presenation, we wanted to give you a front-row seat to a few of the insights he’ll be sharing. We asked Jon some questions that parents, caregivers, and anyone who works with young people often wonder about. From understanding teen behavior to navigating tricky conversations, his answers offered practical advice, surprising insights, and plenty of food for thought.

Here’s what he had to say:

Q. What inspired you to create The Secret Lives of Teens and Tweens?

A. Youth have a lot going on, yet they sometimes share very little. I want to help parents appreciate all the challenges that youth have on their plate...and appreciate that it's a heavy load.

Q. Why do you think it’s so important for parents and caring adults to better understand what’s really going on in the minds of young people today?

A. If parents guess about what youth are thinking and why they act the way they do, they will invariably be wrong...and often get angry at the teen for the wrong reason.  But if parents better understand why youth do things, they can develop a more empathetic and kindness-based response to their kids.

Q.  Is this talk geared only toward parents of teens and tweens, or will parents of younger children also benefit from attending?

A. It used to be that my audience was only parents of teens, then about a decade ago I noticed parents of tweens...and now an increasing percentage of the audience are parents of pre-teens...as they want to get a head start on things—which is wonderful.

Q. What are the biggest stressors facing kids today that didn’t exist a generation ago?

A. The 24/7 nature of our world and tech. Not coincidentally, this generation of kids had tech and social media in middle school and sooner. And rates of depression and anxiety skyrocketed in part because of this. When we compare the exponential decline of  "mental health" categories on the Youth Risk Behavior Survey from 2011 to 2021...this correlates with the beginning of widespread social media.

Q. Social media often gets blamed for everything—what’s your take on its actual impact on youth mental health?

A. Social media has been a significant factor, but it is not the only culprit when we talk about youth mental health. Covid was and still is a factor in youth mental health. And the world youth see—the extreme politics, and the sense that we are not in a safe world—are threatening to youth and adults alike.

Q. How do you see anxiety and depression showing up differently in teens and tweens, and how can adults recognize the warning signs?

A. All kids will experience depression and anxiety to some degree—but parents need to be aware of length and depth... meaning "how depressed are they" and "for how long."  And of course shame and stigma are keeping parents from getting help for kids as early as they should. If depression and anxiety are not attended to and/or treated, they rarely go away on their own. Parents need to “learn the signs” and not simply say “it’s a stage and they will grow out of it.”

Q. What’s one mistake parents often make when trying to connect with their teen or tween?

A. Perhaps the most obvious to me—and I was guilty when my kids were teens—is that parents are not great listeners. Oh, we think we are, but we judge too quickly, we fix things too much, and we let our fears or frustrations guide our responses (which is generally not a good thing).

Q. . What are some simple, everyday ways adults can strengthen communication and trust with young people?

A. Youth don't always admit it, but they desperately want the respect and approval of their parents. I used to say to my kids this: "I don't know how you do it—academics, sports, tech, upcoming college—that’s so much! What can I do to take something off your plate?" This and other such statements help to show appreciation and build trust and open communication.

Q. When a young person shuts down or says “you don’t get it,” what’s the best way for adults to respond?

A. In these circumstances, parents often press forward trying to elicit the response they want to hear...which is a mistake. Backing off is often the best approach at that moment, and then reaching out later when frustration levels are not as high.  

Q. What gives you hope about this generation of young people?

A. Youth today think more critically than a generation ago, understand and have insight into issues like the environment that were not present in past generations, and are growing up faster—which is a very mixed bag, but has benefits. I believe in youth, probably more than they believe in themselves!

Q. What do you want parents and adults to walk away with after hearing your talk?

A. I want them to: 1) Have a fun night—most people learn better when they are happy; 2) I want them to exit with new courage and new language with which they can talk to their kids; and 3) I want them to understand the enormous challenges and pressures our youth face— and the resulting mental health struggles. Yes, youth have more creature comforts than parents did, like a phone and computer, but they also have more challenges in virtually every realm.

Q. If someone is on the fence about attending, what would you say to convince them this event is worth their time?

A. I am not egocentric enough to say that this is the most important event of the year, but most parents rarely have an opportunity to think about parenting a teen or tween—rarely having time to reflect and learn a few skills—and instead parent on instinct alone. Parenting a teen is challenging, so let’s “marry” instinct with new ideas and new ways to connect with our kids. 

We hope you’ll join us to see Jon Mattleman in person and hear from him firsthand. He’s honest, relatable, and full of wisdom, offering insights that will leave you with practical strategies and a deeper understanding of the teens and tweens—and even preteens—in your life.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn from someone who truly gets it—and who makes understanding adolescence both enlightening and approachable.  

NOTE: This presentation will be held in-person only, and will not be recorded.